The SHITARSE FIFTY~~!

The Fight Network's website has published an article about the SHITARSE FIFTY without actually using the words SHITARSE FIFTY.   

You can read the article here.

John Lister did it.  Buy his books~!

ANDY POOLE

Like you need a sentence. I will say however, that I usually try to clip out promotion names from pictures, because it's a bit unfair to tar these little known promotions with a shitarse brush sometimes. However, if you're going to book this guy as a champion, you deserve to be rubbed with dogshit and thrown down a hill that is laden with rusty nails, broken glass, sand and inexplicable lemons.

STAXX

This man did not make the list. However, he's getting a writeup. Why? Because he's a LITERAL SHITARSE. Yes, Staxx shat himself in the ring once. He was wearing white gear. It stained the mat. And it was the opener, meaning everyone else on the card had to roll around in it. I have no clue if he's any good or what, (although he did gain some votes) but come on people, HE ACTUALLY SHAT HIMSELF IN THE RING, so he's being mentioned here. Also, he annually makes his own UK50 on talkwrestling forums which he mods and usually places himself around tenth - and Doug Williams top. Yeah.

5 - Mikey Riot

Fucking shocking. No further comment. Actually, here are more comments: The guy is the utter shits, can't bump and is in no shape whatsoever, how he gets booked is anybodys guess. I'm going to say 'because he pays to be on shows like Dirty Oil', with no evidence in order to start controversy~! Rumour has it before his match with Damned Nation he went up to Dragon Aisu and said he wasn't good at bumping and said he didn't want to bump much. Aisu just walked away. So he got fucked off by ANOTHER SHITARSE. When he plays babyface, is the most unlikeable babyface ever.

Plus the ugly bastard is in a stable called Generation SEX. Yeah. Fuck off, shitarse.
 

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4 - Blok Busta

A lot of votes for this man - almost all of which include variations on "he's a really nice bloke, but he's a fucking useless wrestler.' He got on here TWICE, which I'm going to allow because if you're going to be funny and get your mates to go 'ahaha Blokbusta and Exodus are not the same person, what are you on about lol' then consider your bluff CALLED, shitarse. Terrible promos, ringwork, outfit and gimmick. Caused a group of smarks to coin the phrase 'outwanked', because at 'A Taste of IPW:UK' prior to the King of Europe Cup shows, 'Cockmustard' successfully outwanked the entire show by being utterly wank at everything he did to the point where the world was upset and embarrassed that he'd even dared to enter the Liverpool Olympia. Sometimes, wrestling fans convince non-wrestling fans to attend Britwres shows, and then Blokbusta comes out, causing the non-fan to roll his eyes and the fan to cringe, because everything about him screams AMATEUR HOUR. Can't book, at all. Always has to get his shit in. Cannot be carried. Unintelligible promos. Does flips despite being legitimately big. BLOKBUSTA MUST DIE.

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3 - Mad Mike

Embarrassing on every level. His ring gear is a shit version of an Abyss/Mankind mask that looks like it was made with parcel tape, combined with an orange jumpsuit that is sub-Slipknot in it's shitarsery, he uses the Ultimate Warrior's theme tune, and he tags with Ronin. Stupid gimmick. Too many promos, too many ballshots, too many run-ins. Looks like a hobo. Talks in an American accent for no reason. Charisma of a table leg. May actually be the most dangerous wrestler in Britain - has almost ended people's careers and lives on multiple occasions due to cluelessness. Absolutely no body whatsoever. Thick as pigshit. Cannot wrestle at all, not in any style. In addition, I recieved multiple ballots that said 'no explanation needed', which means a lot of people take it as given that he's just fucking rotten in every way. Has never entertained anyone ever, to the point where his hypothetical children start crying when he enters the room. Also, he books Leicester Pro Wrestling, and is therefore always in the main events and winning titles at the expense of wrestlers who are better than him, as in ALMOST EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY. The very epitome of someone who saw wrestling on TV and said 'I can do that!' and then went out and did because there's no way to stop cunts like this from doing it.

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2 - RONIN~!~!~!~!

It ain't just hype, he really is THAT bad. A bigger shitarse than Tubgirl. He carts around a Japanese flag.... and talks.... in a THICK BRUMMIE ACCENT. Let me spell this out for any idiots who are having this read out for them. If you are supposed to be Japanese, doing a Japanese gimmick, then if you talk in a local accent, it EXPOSES IT AS FAKE, which you might want to fucking avoid doing while you're IN THE RING WRESTLING. Ronin's excuse for this is that he doesn't claim to be Japanese, because he's announced from 'the land of the rising sun' or 'Yakuza, Japan' - but they don't count because Yakuza's not a real placename, and 'the land of the rising sun' doesn't necessarily mean Japan. Yeah. Seriously now - I have absolutely no idea how his brain does the leaps of logic required for that to make sense. None. My brain literally cannot go down to that level of stupidity. I'm the same when I see ring announcers laughing in the face of heels or no-selling a threat or insulting wrestlers during their introduction - how exactly did you come to the conclusion that that response is the right one? Explain this to me someone. How can you think in that manner? I cannot FATHOM how people work this out in their stupid, stupid heads, and I also cannot FATHOM how people are able to live to whatever age they are without drinking something from a bottle that has a skull and crossbones on it.

Anyway, back to Ronin. IPW:UK tryouts. Wrestled RD Wood - a good kid. Ronin's supposed to be a Japanese gimmick, right? But halfway through the match whines: "'E's pullin' me mask, ref" in the thickest Black Country accent possible, because I guess that'll impress the assorted workers watching. Was dangerously stiff to Wood all match. The highlight came when he tried to hit Wood with a guillotine drop on to the ropes - misjudges, drops him on his legs instead of his stomach, which drops Woody right on his head, at which point, ALL the workers watching the match jumped up with looks of outrage on their faces, ready to lynch the fat cunt. Unfortunately no lynching happened - but the workers, some of whom are really jaded and up until that point had been watching the trainees with vague interest, started CHEERING LIKE FANS for RD Wood, giving him support because they realised the position he was in. After the match, Ronin got silence, while Wood got a standing ovation from everyone present, just for surviving. Need I say more? Yes? Trained his son Gang* to wrestle, and he seems to have inherited the shitarse gene. Takes liberties with people who he can do so safely - trainees, referees and the like, mainly. Makes people not only hate wrestling, but life. Has never looked back in life, because if he did, someone'd spit in his eye for being shit. Is under the impression that you don't need a decent emcee or referee to run a show - which is not an unknown view, but is, however, an incredibly stupid one. Goes out to mingle with fans seconds after shows, unmasked (!) while wearing his own Ronin tee shirt (!), thus signalling to the smallest child and dumbest mark that HE'S RONIN and THEREFORE THE MASK IS POINTLESS. When someone pointed this out to him, responded with 'What am I supposed to do, arrive with the mask on and leave with the mask on?' YES. IT'S CALLED KAYFABE, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNTFACED CUNT WITH THE FACE OF A CUNT. This story alone shows that he has absolutely no clue about even the most common sense basics about carrying himself and behaving like an actual professional wrestler. The fact that he helps to RUN a company is the biggest tragedy since twelve million Jews were killed by Robot Hitler and the MechaNazis in the Super-Holocaust that happened in my head while I was on a drug trip. Should quit wrestling, burn all tapes of him, and then throw himself off a cliff in the middle of the most violent thunderstorm the world has ever seen.


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1 - Doug Williams

DOUG WINS

DOUG WINS

DOUG WINS

This is a direct 'FUCK YOU, SHITARSE' to people in the Britwres business who make their own lists putting over themselves and their mates, and post them on forums/shitty websites - they all invariably have Doug Williams at the top, because they think 'Haha, smarks are dumb, if Doug's at the top then they'll believe the rest of the list and come and see us and we're great so fans will love us and we'll get props and DVD sales and money and fame and shiny WWE contracts'.

Look at that entrance gear cloaky thing, it's made of pleather! Is a horrible sellout for leaving the UK for the most part to go and work in Japan for actual money, and also the US for more actual money. He should stay here and work for £30 a night clapping like a cunt in front of fans who haven't paid to get in, otherwise you're a self marking idiot who just marks for other countries wrestling.

Haha no. Doug is great. That's why he wins things! Also, this way Ronin can't walk around being all 'I won the SHITARSE FIFTY'. No. You're such a failure you can't even win at being shit. That's how shit you are. Doug Williams wins. Ronin is number 2. Second. Silver medal. Runner up. Loser. Cunt.

10 - Aphrodite

It's our first girl! And she's dreadful on a level that I can't even begin to describe. Just abysmal at everything, all the time. She's bad in comparison to your Divas, she's bad in comparison to your Knockouts, she's bad in comparison to your high end indy workers like your Melissas and MsChifs and Eden Blacks and Jettas, she's bad in comparison to your rookie girls like Becky James and Nadia. She's just bad. The most inept girl I've ever seen. The most positive comment I've heard about her was 'Well, it's nice for them to let someone's mum have a go, isn't it?' Used to be a rat and almost certainly still is. Claims to be trained by Jake Roberts, but again, she's a rat, and also once vomited over Jake while sucking his cock, so one would imagine she didn't learn that much in between the vomiting and crack smoking and boozing and fucking. Now works for every shitarse show going, which gives her a purpose - if you see her on a card, you know the show's a shitarse one and not to go.


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9 - Leon X

Remember Jim Brooks, who placed number 42? This is him in twenty five years time. Drew McDonald lookalike, but without his presence, thus leaving a fat old man with no talent, and at least Drew has the excuse that he's been in the business for twenty-five years, rather than Leon X's five. Pitiful hardcore worker who more often than not botches his big spots. Can't bump at all. Is the very definition of a guy who does hardcore because he can't wrestle - there's an art to hardcore, but he clearly doesn't see it that way. Has a saving grace - at least he's not training people. You'd think that a fairly hard-looking forty year old man would have presence, but nope, none. Also, Leon X? How's that a suitable name for a forty year old fat hardcore wrestler? Just embarrassing on every single level.

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8 - Dragon Aisu

Short, fat and in need of some training. Horrible name - he used to be Ice XVII, which is the most indy name ever and so changed it to Dragon Aisu. As in, 'ice' said in a Japanese accent. The fuck? Does looks of chops and stuff to make himself appear hard. Sets his hand on fire and chops people with it, which is cool, but does it as a MID MATCH MOVE, which is incredibly retarded. Doesn't wrestle as such, just does lots of MOVEZ, basically like Mark Sloan on his worst day times a million. Thing is though - Sloan is seemingly trying for the DG/MPro style of 'this is not a spotfest, this is one spot that lasts forever and has loads of moves in it', and his matches usually tell a story. Aisu though - guy with Highspots belt doing sheer drop brainbusters and Canadian Destroyers like the worst kind of CZW cruiserweight cunt. Damned Nation was entertaining for a time, but has now jumped the shark immensely.

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7 - Bull Harley

Lol Highspots belt. Fucking awful, awful, awful, AWFUL human being. Runs ACW, which on it's own would get him in this list. Fat, useless, embarrassing, self-marking cunt who honestly believes that ACW is the third-biggest company in the UK, and that he's one of the "great big men of the business". Usually only does hardcore, and useless at that. Has to put someone through a table every show, and usually can't even do it on the first attempt, despite being so fat he needs a boomerang to put on his belt. Oh yeah - can't bump at all, which isn't the worst thing for a big guy, but he NEVER bumps. Threatens people who criticise him with SHOOT STINKFACES, which worries me, I can tell you. Posts on the UKFF to defend himself, and then denies being him, despite it being the most obvious thing ever. Needs death. And AIDS. Followed by more death.

In his defence, he once turned up at a Staniforth show threatening to kill Petey for some reason. The police were called and Harley left. Staniforth responded to this by going out to the ring while a (no doubt rotten) match was taking place, getting in the ring, stopping the match, in order to cut a SHOOT PROMO on Bull Harley. Who, by the way, he never books. And the entire debacle was unknown to the fans. So, unintelligible heel manager cuts short a match to rant and rave about an incident that nobody saw, and even if they had seen it, nobody would have cared. This is Staniforth's honorary induction, by the way. Christ, I hope he wrestles at some point in the next year.

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6 - Johnny 'The Body' Costello

Well, you can't say he's got no timing - he'd never have made it if not for the Trisha thing. He's a sell-out that goes on Trisha and agrees to make himself and British wrestling look even more stupid than it already is. In the ring he was overweight and struggled to move around, and then lost a load of weight, putting him in the 'chubby and pasty' category. Apparently hit a trainee, possibly the kid in the picture, for messing up a move on him, although in fairness most trainees need a kicking. Can't think of anyone with less convincing looking offence - soft to the point where kids laugh at him. Doesn't get how wrestling works - will cheat in front of the referee thus making the whole thing seem even more pantomime and low rent than it was before. Wavering American accent that's not even as good as Tex Benedict's. Used to beg the FWA for bookings, and when turned down, carried a grudge that lingers to this day, to the point where he was in the ring and attempted to shoot on Dann Read with a STUNNER. Wears a Confederate flag on his ring gear to show his fandom of old school Southern US territorial wrestling - he worked for a while as part of the 'UK Freebirds', and his trainees have names like Vicky Morton, 'Texas' Aaron Blanchard and the like. Trained his far smaller wife to wrestle, and had a match with her in which he bumped more than he has ever done for anyone else, which is lovely and all but looked incredibly bad. Once ran a show in Scunthorpe with WWE logos and VIDEO GAME GRAPHICS on the poster, along with advertising a tribute La Parka. Has undoubted passion for wrestling, but does far more harm than good with his passion. Should be a fan.

15 - Brad Flash

A mark for himself who's only ever at the top of the bill if it's him running the show (NWL, pisspoor), for everyone else he's an opening slot jobber. Which is sort of fine, nothing wrong with a teenage jobber, especially as this one has proper attire, but his huge ego and general cluelessness negate it. Not as bad a shitarse as he used to be, for example when he invaded the UKFF to get 'heat' or something when he was sixteen, but at the end of the day he is still a pumped up teenager who brings no legitimacy to the ring and is generally regarded as a bit of a joke by everyone.

In the interest of fairness, Flash has been to the gym since this picture was taken - he now looks like a Tesco Value Ricky Hype. I'm not joking at all - he now wears cycling shorts type gear like Hype, has the wacky haircut like Hype, has very similar tattoos, and a similar although much smaller build. Thing is, Hype is better than him in every concievable way. Whether you rate Hype or not, that statement still stands.

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14 - Matt Jarrett

Pretty useless ten year veteran (with at least one two year break) that absolutely nobody notable in wrestling has heard of. Horrible, awful, terrible, rotten ring name. Seriously now - try and imagine the thought process behind coming up with the name 'Matt Jarrett' - I tried and screamed in horror after three seconds. Wrestles as Spider-Man, badly. Has never had a good match in his life - poor, maybe worthless, on all counts. Is a stupid lying fantasist - used to claim that he'd been asked to work for the FWA by Alex Shane, Greg Lambert and Dann Read, and then claimed that to impress, erm, Dann Read, who of course had never heard of this shitarse. Got sponsored by the Prince's Trust (!) to put on a wrestling show in Cheltenham Town Hall, and then promptly drew 200 in a building that holds at least five times that, that Dixon usually sells out. On the back of this success, is now planning to run a show at the ROYAL ALBERT HALL in 2009. Yeah. Shitarse.

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PIC COMING SOON BECAUSE THE ONLY ONES I CAN FIND ARE WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE

13 - James 'Jay Phoenix' Wallace

Here's a trivia question for you. What Scottish wrestler had to change their name halfway through their career because he'd managed to gain too bad a reputation for him to use it any more? You're right, it's James Wallace, as in 'Absolute Dickface' Jay Phoenix. What a fucking epic fail.

Derided as 'competent but really really fucking lazy' by almost everyone, it's out-of-the-ring shitarsery and arrogance that really earns this man a place. Once hit Samoa Joe with a pillow as a rib, causing Joe to get very angry, leading to a squash match which Phoenix took as proof he was a LEGIT MAIN EVENTER AND STAR. Was ridden out of Chikara on a rail after stealing wallets from people's bags backstage. Claimed to have visited a children's home or similar for charity work, but then it was exposed as a HUGE LIE, causing 1PW people to actually have to make a visit to repair the damage. Yes, Jason Wallace tells lies about ill children to get himself over. What else... was responsible for the Lexx thing... paedophilia rumours... did a gay wrestling video... is just a massive, massive shitarse.

EDIT - it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for Doug Williams to randomly turn up on TNA Impact backstage, being all 'Sorry I'm late Mr Cornette, I was visiting sick children'. He can then be revealed as a liar and become a hated figure. As he then has nothing to lose, he can start pickpocketing people, and slowly transform into 'Artful Dodger' Doug Williams, complete with Victorian garb and similar era patterns of speech. Think about it.

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NO PICTURE BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY

12 -The Fisherman

OK, this one's a pure in ring shitarse. He's fucking terrible. Usually booked as a jobber, but in an effort to try to get over, he says wacky things constantly while wrestling, sucking all the story out of whatever match he's in. Will try to apply moves and holds and such with slight modifications to differentiate himself from everyone else, which on paper makes sense, but in practice causes the matches to be awkward and shitty, as well as very difficult for his opponents to work. Worthless.





11 - Urban Warrior

Here's the thing. That's a Kane mask with the red bits painted green. Don't be a cunt and claim it's not because he made it himself from a boot, or say 'well, Ligero has horns on his mask like Psicosis so it's the same thing'. It fucking isn't. Also, he's a shit wrestler who has literally no clue how to structure a match. He's in his 30s, but is still (still!) under the impression that moonsaults and handstand elbowdrops are moves that big men should be doing. He does use a chokeslam as a finisher, which is fair enough, but doesn't do wonders for the whole 'not a green Kane' thing people say. And he runs his own school and trains people - including a good few people who have made this list. A negative contributor to British wrestling.

Also, lol Highspots belt.

25 - Wheeler

Random mask, pleather, HIGHSPOTS BELT, tiny... yeah it's another flippy geek who doesn't know how to work, and instead does MOVEZ. Kills himself in front of thirty people. Enters the ring to random WWE themes or random metal. Uses WWE finishers as transitions because that's the only way he can get over. Wears CM Punk's gear but in pleather, also a vest to hide his terrible body. Rotten on every level.

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24 - Matt Mensa


Bland, bland bland bland bland, with a side of bland, with bland sauce. People like Matt Mensa mystify me - why put the effort into learning how to wrestle when you've clearly put no thought into anything else about BEING A WRESTLER? He has matches that start off slow and boring, and you think 'oh, that's OK, it'll kick into high gear and suddenly it'll all make sense, lots of good matches are like this, Bret Hart was like that numerous times, and he's awesome'. But then the heavy artillery gets brought and you go 'meh', and near falls happen and you think 'hmm', and then the match ends somehow and you're like 'That's it, then?' Pointless.


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23 - Surf Digby

Firstly - as far as I'm concerned, that picture is GREAT. Hand on heart, no sarcasm GREAT. Look at that face. However, discounting that... shit name, shit performance, and he does nothing interesting or likable to make anyone care ever. I sincerely considered using the UKFF logo as his picture, because that seems to be where he trains. Always tries stuff that is way beyond him or that he can do but badly. To give an example, he misses planchas with such astonishing regularity that it's feasable he may be doing it on purpose as an 'innovative spot'. Moreover, his ring attire comprises the entire back catalogue of H&M's £2 beach shorts range, and his small frame body wrapped in podge should probably be kept undercover. Posts on the UKFF as, erm, Surf Digby, natch.

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22 - Gangster

Massive, massive Trowbridge-based shitarse who runs UCW. Complete rip-off of Stone Cold, and can't even do that properly. His entrance music is an edited version of Austin's theme - complete with TAPE CLICKING SOUNDS where the edits happen. Can't crowd-work, can't sell, can't even hit his own finisher (a stunner) properly, doesn't even sound like a gangster unless a gangster's a turnip-and-manure-munching, horse-shit-for-brains bumpkin yokel. Actually gets his mum and dad to commentate live on shows, and they're equally moronic - the mum interrupts her commentating in the middle of a match to chat with her neighbours - and this gets on to DVD! Wears his title belt to Sainsburys, where he stands in the magazine section reading the wrestling magazines, in the hope that someone'll come up to him and ask 'Are you a wrestler?'. He once had a three-way with Raven and CM Punk. It was shit. A few years ago, organised a sponsored bed-push and a jumble sale in order to book Mick Foley - although it was in fact billed as a charity thing. Once had a match with American All Star and a man named Rampage that just completely defies description as how bad it was. It may turn up on SHITARSE TV soon, who knows.

UCW's roster, meanwhile, comprises midgets, shitarses, children, more shitarses, people who are deaf, additional shitarses and Dave Moralez managed by Gilligan Gordon, who stick out like an oasis of competence amongst the complete desert of talentlessness that is the regular roster. The occasional talented wrestler they unearth tend to find themselves booked in long, drawn out, wretched multi man bouts on the undercard, which are hard to do if you're an accomplished wrestler, never mind a first year rookie. One of those bouts got buried by Mick Foley during his promo with these words: 'After that long, boring, drawn out match... it's time for a long, drawn out, MICK FOLEY PROMO '. Christ, using Foley's name in this entry makes me feel dirty.

Anyway, to summarise, Gangster has no clue, at all. None. None whatsoever. And therefore earns the title of Shitarse Deluxe.

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21 - Carnage

Cool name, yes? That's about as far as it goes. Balding, pasty, fat man in a beard and a blue singlet, who for some inexplicable reason was AWW champion for over a year. Actually not too bad at the basics sometimes, but just has no charisma at all. Wrestling in street clothes and walking out to a Disturbed song don't help. He then does a generic Raven arms-out pose, with his toothless mouth hanging open like he's brain dead. Gets mostly laughs from the kids, meaning nobody takes him seriously as a threat, meaning nobody gets emotionally invested in the babyface, meaning the match is played out in front of utter silence. Then when he's a babyface... he does EXACTLY THE SAME THING. EXACTLY. Once, when wrestling face, was so inept that HEEL ROCKSTAR SPUD got over as a face against him. Also fancies himself as a bit of a brawler, but doesn't do anything remotely shocking or even interesting in hardcore matches. Has very very basic talent, but does so much to compromise the tiny amount of talent he does have.

30 - eXodus

Mmm, pleathery. If I may rhyme for a second: clad in pleather from head to toe, Exodus creates apathy wherever he goes. Kids may start off intrigued by the big monster, but he vary rarely holds their attention for very long. If Kane, when locked in his basement for years or however that story goes, spent his time watching Raven tapes, modern indies and was colour blind, you get eXodus. He's a huge man that has Pre-Hiatus Alex Shane Syndrome, doing MOVEZ such as inverted crucifix powerbombs, pumphandle diamond cutters, somersault sentons (!) and other moves that he plain just doesn't need to do. He also bumps way too much and moves too fast. He has to get his shit in too! All the time! Under the mask he's a very nice man, but an appalling wrestler. And if you don't believe me, look here.

(in fairness, he doesn't usually use the Undertaker theme as far as I know, and after this match he threw things around and was incredibly angry at how shit it was, so he clearly has some standards. But still, enough points to get this far = shitarse)

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29 - Wade Fitzgerald

A polarizing figure - some admire his work ethic and dedication and such. However, some don't get this seemingly pumped up thirteen year old at all and especially have no desire to watch him work through a dance routine in slow motion with precisely zero emotion. If you're supposed to be a super-hard martial arts type, look like it and, y'know, actually hit people with your kicks! Also, stop letting your mum cut your hair. Was inexplicably booked on NOAH show where he proved he was way out of his element and got booed out of the fucking building, which is the shit coloured icing on a shitarse cake, that's made of shit. He's clearly not cut out to be a wrestler and often looks like he's only going to the ring because someone has a knife to the throat of his pet rabbit backstage. May have not smiled once since starting training and by the looks of it will soon will have the most epic manboobs in the history of the world. Almost certainly in the wrong career.

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28 - "Showcase" Stu Odyssey

Another guy who's been around for a while and made precisely zero impact, possibly due to working once a month, if that, for almost all that time. Out of shape Swindon-based clueless shitarse who is under the misapprehension that he's on the same level as Dave Moralez, Martin Stone, Doug Williams, Spud, Johnny Saint et al and sincerely believes that the only reason those guys get booked for companies instead of him is because the promoters mark for them. Once was given instructions to put over a young guy with a monster gimmick in a squash, then proceeded to go out and purposely ignore the instructions: he gave his opponent nothing, kicked out of the finish at 3.001 after taking two moves in the whole bout, and just generally ruin the push to the point that it took eighteen months to build the kid back up. Works a mystifying style of weak strikes and pointless matwork, and claims it's 'old school' style, as opposed to what it is, lazy. Is responsible for training the BAWA roster, among others. Failed in LDN. Posts on the UKFF as 'Jerry Fireball Mudflap', mainly to put over shows he's on and bury shows by companies he used to work for, as well as defend his mates on SHITARSE FIFTY threads. Wears both pleather AND kickpads.

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27 - Spud

BCOS HE'S SMALL LOL

EDIT - oh god



He's almost certainly retiring now, look his gear's going in the bin and everything

Of course, as he's a shitarse and this is pro wrestling, he'll be back on the weekend.

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26 - Dan Ryder

Highspot..... highspot..... highspot, rinse, repeat. About a 30% hit rate, which is sub-New Breed. When he does hit things, not one looks like it does any damage. The least likeable babyface alive. When a heel, still does flips. Inexplicably getting plaudits despite the fact that he's a 'highflying' spot monkey, with no character or charisma at all. Reportedly a total wanker in the locker-room. Hits a 450 as a finisher - not a biggie in itself, but without a character, he's fucked if he ever wrestles ooh say Pac, (who can hit a 630 and has a character now). Ryder injures himself in ladder matches doing stupid spots - in front of 30 people. Plus, grotty looking gear. Put all this together, and what do you have? Yes: a SHITARSE~!

(in his defence, I'm pretty sure he was part of a FUCKING GREAT juniors style tag match I saw last October in LWL, which was actually one of the best matches I saw last year live or on tape)

40 - Gallowman

As you can see from the picture, Gallowman has a decent-ish look. When he cuts a promo on the microphone, he has a fitting scary voice. However, when the match starts things go downhill fast. Firstly, when he talks during his match he forgets to put on his scary voice, thus undoing the good promo he usually cuts. Wrestling wise, he has the skills of a tentative backyarder, frequently looking like he's not been trained at all. Has no knowledge of how to put together a coherent match, bumps awkwardly and infrequently due to nervousness, all offence looks abysmal, and just generally isn't ready to be put in front of paying fans. All this adds up to one boring shitarse who probably shouldn't be booked anywhere. Unfortunately, he is, for BAWA and CSF. Also posts on the UKFF as 'Uncletrunx', putting over shows he's featured on while pretending to be a fan.


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39 - Luke Axl

Ah, the 1PW Academy, where picking a cool name is more important than learning how to work. This guy fails on all counts. Shit worker who throws some of the lightest chops in the country. Jeezum Crow lookit them arms. He'd clearly rape his own grandmother before setting foot in a gym. As a special treat, here's two of his peers:



You will, of course, notice that those kids have thicker arms than Luke Axl. This makes him a FAIL.


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38 - "Iceman" Edd Ferris

Here's the thing about Edd Ferris. He started training to wrestle with Hammerlock at approximately the same time as Jonny Storm, Doug Williams and the like. The fact that most of you reading this are saying 'who?' speaks volumes. What speaks more volumes though is what is about to be said: Edd Ferris used to wrestle all over Wales, but got slowly dropped from everywhere for having less than no clue. If he was meant to go ten minutes, he'd go twenty. He'd grab the mike and cut unscripted promos. If he was going to lose, he'd dominate the entire match before losing in a flukey manner. Ferris has a legitimate martial arts background, which is fair enough, but that has given him the type of ego that means he will not be beaten on like a babyface should be. When he's a heel, he has nothing bar a smirk - no crowd work, nothing, and he doesn't even give the babyface opportunities to come back before cutting him off, it's just fifteen minutes of beating with no reason to care. Has to have simple insider terms (powder, among others) explained to him by wrestlers with much less experience. Does dangerous spots in battle royals for no reason. Argued passionately in favour of having a main event with just opening minute technical stuff. With Nick Aldis. No clue. None. Less than none. Negative clue Edd Ferris.


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37 - Jordan Way

The other half of The Lost. This one looks like a slightly more effeminate version of former EntouRAGE member Ollie Burns. Burns, though, was a tremendous young babyface in peril, really knew how to sell and be sympathetic and get crowds behind him. Jordan Way, though, oh my no. Ugly, ugly emos do not a legitimate tag team make. 3CW's Tag Team Titles died when Way and his partner took hold of them and used their antiwrestling abilities on the promotion. Once, The Lost was made up of talent such as Jimmy Jacobs. Now, it includes this shitarse. Epic fail.


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36 - Nikko Brixton

Nikko Brixton. Signed because he made IPW people laugh at a tryout. Has been in the ring a few times now, and has garnered comments like 'Only seen him once, but it was one of the most inept performances I have seen from a UK wrestler. In fact, it IS the most inept performance, and I've seen a lot.'. When SUWA cut that promo about 'many, many skinny guy' who need 'necessary training, understand?' he may as well have been shouting it directly at Nikko Brixton's face. Is somewhat like Steve 'Mongo' McMichael, in that he was OK in his first match because nothing was expected of him, but he really should have progressed a bit by now. Rotten.


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35 - Paul McSherry

He's booked as Peter Staniforth's bodyguard, despite being smaller than him. He's called 'Golden Gloves' Paul McSherry, but he doesn't tape his fists/wear gloves, and his finish is a swinging powerslam. He's flabby and pasty and his gear consists of a pair of trainers (not even boxing boots) and boxing shorts. People in the ring with him have described him as 'the worst there's ever been'. He once got a pie in his face courtesy of a random clown, and sold it by laughing. Try and argue against THIS one.


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34 - Mike Mendoza

Here's a guy that runs to the ring much like The Ultimate Warrior, but at least the Warrior had a character and some rope shaking traits to fill in time once he got there. Mendoza spends most of his time in the ring standing around like a lemon. A very camp lemon. He's a charisma vacuum who can't sell or work. He botches all his moves, and he just does bad, pointless and random tech. Why does he feature on telly? Is it because Jon Ritchie uses the promotion to advertise his shit Dropkixx trainees? Is it because Sanjay Bagga fancies guys with a tan? Who knows?


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33 - American All-Star

UCW mainstay dresses like a baseball player. That's it. Has no other redeeming qualities. Is able to be in the most awkward position in threeways on an almost constant basis. Constantly tries high risk offence, high risk in this sense meaning 'high risk of failure'. Sort of grasps the idea of having your moves match your character, as in he does a baseball slide and a windup punch, but does them badly with no sense of timing or knowledge of when to use them. Also attempts a split legged moonsault for no reason that usually fails. Just plain bad.


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32 - Special Agent

The most generic heel there has ever been, who's attempts to shout at the crowd for no reason result in giggles and other assorted laughter. It goes without saying that he's skinny, pale and pleather clad. Shouts 'SHUT UP angry.gif ' at the crowd when they're being silent, because he doesn't understand how wrestling works. Runs a promotion called East Anglia Wrestling, who have, to date, only run shows in Northamptonshire. Which isn't in East Anglia. Every strike he does looks like it kills his opponent, in a bad way, but then anything he does that resembles a hold... well, only just resembles a hold, as it's so very, very weak. Does moves apparently at random. Bumps with his arms down first, meaning he's gonna break something at some point, and constantly gets tangled up in the ropes while doing so.In short, go ahead and imagine 'Generic Shitarse #72' and that's Special Agent. Oh, and he trains people...

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31 - Dirty Oil

A failure at life.

Despised by all of those around him, it doesn't take a genius to figure this shitarse probably paid his way onto shows. Fat, out of shape, never been trained and should never have been anywhere near the ring, at any time, ever. Compulsive liar. Worked security at 1PW shows until he was caught red-handed stealing DVDs - but told everyone he volunteered to 'step back from the business' because he 'wasn't enjoying it any more' and was 'worried about getting too close'. Has been known to walk out after shows to chat with fans seconds after an injury angle. Also appeared as Dragon JU-A and Maniark briefly. Once arrested for kerb-crawling. A complete stereotype of the worst kind of person attracted by British Wrestling.

Oh, and for his one appearance, someone who hated him made this theme music, which he used while not realising what the lyrics were:

Dirrrrtyyyy Oiiiiillllll~

It includes the lines 'I can't wrestle, everyone knows/so I pay money to be on shows'. That's the best line, but there's some others, including a reference to him being a kerb-crawler. Did I mention it's Diesel's theme with a rap over the top? Click that link, everyone.

50 - Tyler Browne

Cardiff based shitarse Tyler Browne is infamous among some people for being mainly responsible for the 'legendary' Tyler Browne/Rick O'Shea match from Cardiff, in which they botch three wheelbarrow spots in succession, each botch funnier than the one preceding it. It's been able to unite fractious locker rooms in laughing at the terrible bout.

Tyler's repertoire includes a shoddy top rope cross body, a somersault plancha that he has never hit in a non-dangerous way, an awkward facebuster, really terrible punches, and mediocre chain shit. After wrestling with a few companies in a few different towns Tyler went 'off the road', but then returned to impart his wisdom and knowledge on young wrestlers. Has some charisma, but nowhere near enough to make up for his in-ring shortcomings. Wretched.


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49 - Shabazz

Bereft of any kind of timing, Shabazz, or 'the strongstyle Koko B Ware' as he's known by some, is by no means the worst wrestler in the country, or indeed that I've seen, but every time I see him at shows I wish he wasn't there. Out of shape with an incredible lack of cardio, is able to suck the life out of most crowds. Works for East Anglia Wrestling, who hold their shows in Northamptonshire. For those of you who have Alex Shane-like geography skills, that's NOT EAST ANGLIA.


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48 - Fireball

With weak chops, other strikes laughable, and having to constantly adjust his gear due to his body shape, Fireball is not as hot as his name would lead you to believe. A five year veteran who cannot even do the basics and seemingly has no desire to improve, instead is happy to be at the level he's at (currently, forty eighth on the SHITARSE FIFTY). Is apparently the kind of person who will take it as a badge of honour to be on this kind of list. So far down the path of mediocrity that there's no way back. Breaks kayfabe on MySpace.


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47 - Robbie Brookside

Called 'Relic' by some, 'an anachronism' by the Wrestling Observer/Figure Four Weekly monolith, 'mutton dressed as lamb' by someone who I forget, and 'great' by others, Robbie Brookside is a no doubt controversial entry into the SHITARSE FIFTY. Called a legend by people who nevertheless cannot point to a match that validates that claim, Brookside is a man in his forties still trying to play the 17 year old firey young babyface. Has a body comparable to a million Johnny Kickpadz figures out there, but nobody seems to notice. Recent shitarsery includes accepting a payday from WWE, which is fair enough, but the payday led to him losing popularity among hardcore All Star fans who saw it as him selling out, and the abysmal six man tag at LDN Legends Showdown, in which powder thrown in his eyes somehow led to his eye 'hanging out of his socket' and during which Lloyd Ryan sat at ringside rolling his eyes and burying the match to ringside fans. Brookside then left LDN halfway through this feud because they wouldn't put him on a poster in Leicester. The ultimate piss break wrestler.


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46 - Mikey the Pikey/MTX

Our first, but by no means the last, shitarse who runs a wrestling company, MTX runs BAW, which is apparently something to do with the old BRAWL promotion. Fair enough, but their roster seems to consist of kids in Highspots masks and geeks in tee shirts. And Shabazz. Oh, and their idea of a hot invasion angle is to bring in Peter Staniforth. Fail.

One of these days, referees will get together and plot to murder him because of his immense shitarsery. Y'see, in the ring, he seems to not even understand the basic structure of a tag team match. Mikey, if you're reading - you double team BEHIND the ref's back, and the HEELS are the ones who double team the FACE, not the other way round. Christ.


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45 - Michael Wentz

Michael Wentz is half of 'The Lost', 3CW's current, reigning and defending tag champions. As you can tell from the pic, he's the fat one with potential to get all muscly if he can be bothered. The other one might make an appearance later on! Anyway, this is proof that ugly, ugly emos do not a legitimate tag team make. 3CW's Tag Team Titles died when Wentz and his partner took hold of them and used their antiwrestling abilities on the promotion. Once, The Lost was made up of talent such as Jimmy Jacobs. Now, it includes this shitarse. Epic fail.


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44 - Ashe

Ashe was formerly part of the New Breed, a tag team that once botched a high five. Now he's simply random singles guy Ashe, who despite the picture above, usually wrestles in a vest nowadays. This man's wrestling sucks such serious balls, and it's probably impossible to find a match in which he isn't huffing and puffing for breath due to having very little in the way of fitness. It is possible to see the former Curve Phil Bedwell on a show one day and Ashe on a show the next day, and the difference is astounding. Also, constant rumours swirl around this man, but let's not go there, at all. My gran always said don't trust a man who has his eyes really close together, and that seems to fit him.


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43 - G-Man

G-Man is thin. Really thin. There's a picture I couldn't use that has him on a ring apron. You can clearly see he's wearing, as well as pleather, some Reebok trainers. You can also count his ribs. I was given no comments about his in-ring skills at all, so the fine people on this thread may want to fill in the gaps, as I've never seen him before. I'm assuming he's fucking terrible, as he made the list. I would like to know WHY, please.

EDITED BECAUSE SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY POPPED UP ON MSN AND GAVE ME THIS RANT:

"G-Man is fucking rotten. He takes bumps off clotheslines too early, making it look like shit. His technical stuff is the worst kind of over-rehearsed bullshit, and it's not even anything special, it's stuff that everyone should know how to do without thinking about it. He exposes the business to a staggering degree every time he steps in the ring, and he makes me ill. Fucking ill.'


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42 - Jim Brooks

Here's a YouTube link to laugh at

The above picture was yanked from the above YouTube video. YouTube means that you can see that Jim Brooks looks like a schoolkid who forgot his PE gear and was made to do it in his vest at the same time as you can laugh at Staniforth. If you can make out any word in the video, you're a better man than I. He sullies the name Brooks, previously a name with a fine wrestling pedigree, what with Traci and Richie and Phil and all.

In the ring, despite never having seen him, I'm willing to bet pounds to Picnics that he's got no psychology, randomly hits people with things, and might be alright throwing punches but that's about it. Any takers?
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41 - "100%" Dan Edge

See, he's called "100%" even though his legs are fucked. He's a cripple playing a wrestler... who's a heel? How the fuck does that work? Unlike say Zach Gowen, who you could make a case for because of speed and agility and heart and determination, Dan Edge just completely ruins the illusion, because he can't stand up without assistance otherwise he topples over. Fundamental problems here. He could spend an hour raping people's mothers and shitting on children's laps, but as soon as the babyface gets any kind of sustained revenge, the crowd switch into sympathy, because he's a cripple, y'see. I'm all for people following their dream and all, but GET OUT OF THIS BUSINESS AND DO SOMETHING ELSE. Every worker who has to share a locker room with him from now til the end of time should pull incredibly heartless ribs on him. I'm talking evil shit, like cutting halfway through his crutch so when he comes back and uses it for support it snaps, sending him tumbling to the floor hilariously, or hiding whatever pills he needs to live, and keep doing it for as long as it takes for him to fuck off and never, ever come back. Christ.